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My healing experience
Like most people,I am not too comfortable in my own skin. We were conditioned to believe that either you "act-tough" or you "act-weak" to get what you want. The important word here is "ACT" which means one is not one's true self. We all do it, hiding behind a facade, putting on different mask when facing different people and situations. And we tend to think "It would be so much easier for me to be happy if only I was in a different place":
Through the years, I experienced every one of those "ifs" and then some. And my defense mechanism was to "act tough". Vulnerability was terrifying to me and I wore my armour like it was my second skin. At work, I was the "boss", at home I was the "provider and caretaker", and with friends I often played the role of "problem solver". The result after years of self neglect was I lost myself, I lost the ability to truly "feel", my 5 senses were blunted. At one point of my life, I was so disillusioned, I quitted my job, I vegetated and I was a rudderless boat going nowhere!
Then I went through a period of immersing myself in esoteric works, peeled off quite a few layers of "onion skins" and generally I was in a much better state of mind. However, I overdid the part about being "an observer to life" and became too passive and too detached "Unable to feel" was a more accurate description. I had no passion, no dreams, no LIFE. I had gradually unconciously turned into a "living dead"!
I had been a fan of Louise Hay's books for years. So when I came across on the net that there is a healing workshop based on her work and principles, I knew that I wanted to attend. And am I glad I did! What an amazing experience I had with my facilitator, Gillian Bowles, in Penarth Wales. I wouldn't bore you with all the details but after shedding bucketful of tears, I experienced a few significant "shifts".
I regained the full faculties of my 5 senses, and more. Excerpts from my daily journal read:
One of the exercise that Gilian, our facilitator, made us do was to take a walk outside during one of the breaks and she asked us to do stuff like, hug a tree, put our hands in the icy seawater. It was to help us reconnect with nature and our 5 senses. Then write about our experience when we get back. This was what I wrote-
"I walked down to the pier, stood there and closed my eyes. Then I walked to the park and sat down on a bench. Physically, I touched nothing but instead I allowed everything to touch me. I allowed the cold winds and the hot sun to touch my body. I allowed the sounds of the birds, the waves, the people, the traffic to touch my ears. I allowed the reds, whites, yellows, greens, blues and purples of flowers , trees and the surroundings to touch my eyes. I allowed the smell of coffee aroma, fish & chips, the salty air to touch my nose. I allowed all of life to touch me, to touch my heart!"
The entry on the last day while travelling back on the train-
"The train journey back to Paddington took longer, over 3 hours. But it seems I saw a lot more things today than the day that I arrived. I saw beautiful light blue skies with billowy white clouds. I saw calves with their mommy cows grazing in the fields and little baby lambs with their mama sheeps lying lazily in the sun. I got a glimpse of Chepstow Castle at a distance. I saw miles and miles of the brightest yellow rapeseed fields. I saw little boats and canoes gently floating down a river. I don't remember seeing any of these things when I took the train from Paddington to Penarth! I must have been asleep on that day. Or perhaps when I came, I had eyes that do not see. And today, I am seeing not just with my eyes but my opened heart!"
I became aware of the cause of my insecurity and anxiety about money:
From my dear mom, I learned from a very young age that "we can't afford this and that", "money don't grow on trees", "life is hard without enough money", "I must study hard and work even harder to get money", "life=money, money=life". And I bought into her beliefs so strongly that I made "making enough money" my number "1" goal in life. I succeeded in achieving the 4Cs (cash, car, condo, credit cards) out of the 5Cs, sans "children". I had no time for relationships and when I did, I was barely ever really "present" for them. My dear mom had all the material comforts that she didn't have in her younger days but at the end of the day, the one thing she wanted most in her old age was only "my time" which I didn't give to her.
For years after her passing, I felt guilty and that was another of my "hang up" which this workshop had helped me to come to terms with. On the issue of money, I am able to first accept that I am presently not in a good state without feeling insecure, it is only a temporary situation and I have the ability and means to improve it just by doing the things I love to do.
I don't have to be always "in control" and I don't have to be anybody's "rock" or "caretaker":
While growing up, I hardly knew my father as he was very rarely in our lives, emotionally as well as physically. I became my mom's confidante, her emotional rock and caretaker. A role which I carried through to my work and social life. It had its use of course. I learned to be a very responsible person and it helped to impress my bosses as I climbed the corporate ladder. However, it was also very tiring and draining.
I have learned to let go of the need to be always "in control", the need to know how and where every piece fits. I now allow "spontaniety" to happen as it happens and know it happened because it is meant to happen. I have also stop trying to solve other people's problems. Instead I offer my friends my time and space if they need it to just "get if off their chest". I listen more and talk less. I share my experiences if they ask and I leave it to them to find a solution that best suit them.
There were so much more but some are too personal or involve others who are still alive. And if I was to write about all of it, this will turn into a book. Everybody's experience of the workshop will be different. I can only say if you are truly opened and willing to dive deep into yourself, you will experience the life changing "shifts" that is just right for you at this point of time.
